Sugar, I Do It Like A Man.

'Sup guys?

It's been close to 2 years now, or maybe even more than 2 years, since I last picked up my pen and write out my thoughts, figuratively speaking. I remember how I used to have this quote, "I stop breathing when I stop writing, so don't take my pen away." Well, I'm still alive and kicking. Oh, the irony. So what have I been up to recently? Pretty much being a retard.

My friends and I did a Chubby Bunny Challenge recently, followed by a Failed Cinnamon Challenge, that I didn't upload. Apparently we're supposed to swallow the cinnamon powder. I did not know that so we'll be doing it again. 

We'll be attempting Ellen's Dance Dare next!

There's a lot of things that I wanna do right now. I would list them all out in a proper post right now, but I'm in a bit of a rush so I won't elaborate, but I promise you I will let you back into my life soon. So please, as an apology, enjoy this never before seen picture from Kurumi's and my recent photoshoot [The Master & Her Marionette]. 

And here's a picture of me in a fauxhawk.

[Dig it, bitches]

Once again, I have to apologize for my first ever post in such a long while to be so short. I promise waffles next time. I've also brought over some pretty interesting reads from my previous blogs. So just scroll down and have fun reading or click on the labels at the side bar or even check out my poetry on the top bar.

Kthxbai.

My Ideal Butler

My Ideal Butler

By Etterorua Red
Date: October 23rd 2009

I've always wondered what it would've been like if I was born into a rich family with many mansions and servants at my family's disposal. If I was born into a rich family, I would humbly ask my dear father for just 2 things. A small mansion of my own on a hilltop that overlooks the sea and is surrounded with mountains and forests, and an S-Rank butler.

My butler would be a super handsome bishie, but of course it would be even better if he looked like Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji. And after watching Zettai Kareshi, I have decided that I would very much like my butler to have these qualifications. One, his intelligence has to be high, so that he can teach me various things I suck at. Two, his smile has to be refreshing, so that every time he smiles at me, I would melt into a very happy puddle. Three, he has to be strict with me because I have a very interesting ability to distract anyone I choose. Four, his arguments and debating skills have to be strong otherwise I would never listen. Five, his body must be model-y, because models have that luscious, just-right, six-packs body. Six, he must respond with, "Yes, my lady." every time I ask him to do something. Seven, he shall fly to my rescue whenever I'm in a pinch.

My lovely butler would be called Sebastian too so every time I call him, I'd be able to fantasize Sebastian Michaelis being with me. And there would only be the two of us in the small little mansion and he would do the household chores splendidly like Sebastian Michaelis would while I laze around using my laptop. Occasionally, I would help out with the housework though Sebastian would dissuade me but I'd end up being really stubborn and still help him out anyway. And we'd clean the floors together, and I would pour the bucket of soapy water on him and he would splash the water on me and we'd have good laughs. Then we'd clean the windows together and I would accidentally slip and fall from the ladder and he would catch me in his arms and look concernedly into my dark brown eyes and ask, "Ojou-sama, daijoubu?" meaning, "My lady, are you alright?" and I would fall for him but of course I would keep that a secret because it is forbidden for a Lady and her Butler to fall in love.

Seeing as how my exams are coming, I'd get him to teach me Math and A Math and History and Social Studies, though I find it stupid to study the history of a country I don't even like, then Chemistry and Biology, of course skipping the Sexual Reproduction topic because it is embarrassing to talk about it seriously. But he'd still insist that it is required and I'd fidget as he teaches me the female and male anatomy. We'd work hard for long hours until I tire myself out completely. My exams would come and go and at last I am free for 4 months. Sebastian would take me to the hills and we'd have picnics there as we talk of many things and we'd lie on the soft green grass and I'd fall asleep. Then upon seeing, my innocent[LOLOL] sleeping face, he'd fall in love with me.

He would confess to me at an opportune time by kissing me on my lips like how Rihito-sama did to Mei-chan on the last episode of Mei-chan no Shitsuji. And like Rihito-sama, he would say our relationship is a secret because it is forbidden for a Butler to fall in love with his Lady. We would continue our lives as normal and he'd teach me various languages like French, Japanese and Spanish, then he'd teach me various sports and dances. Like basketball and waltzes. When I am older, I'd beg my dear father to allow me to marry Sebastian and he'd agree. And for the rest of our lives, we'd have lots of fun times and sexercise, but I'd go on the pill because I don't want a baby, though I might change my mind if Sebastian wants them.

The End.

My Future

My Future
By Etterorua Red
Date: October 18th 2009

I've always wanted to be a lot of things when I grew up. For example, a Singer, a Model, a Fashion Designer and the list goes on and on. However, after thinking long and hard, I've finally decided on what I truly want to be when I grow up. I decided last night, after watching Naruto: Shippuden, that I wanted to be a Ninja.

First, in the near future, I'd graduate from the Academy with Naruto and Sasuke and kick Sakura's ass every time she tries to get close to Sasuke. I'd specialize in Genjutsu and Ninjutsu and not Taijutsu since I don't like fighting and Rock Lee's green suit will not match my hair and eyes. I'd play Shougi with Shikamaru everyday, even though I have no idea what Shougi is. I'd train with Neji and we'd talk about destiny after that, and I told him once, that I was doomed to have a lot of relationship problems and he replied with, "Destiny cannot be changed." After that, I'd eat ramen with Naruto. Then, I'd look for Sasuke and we'd train and talk and I always tried to distract him from Itachi. Whenever Gaara visits Konohagakure, I'd take him to the playground and we'd play in the sandbox there. After a few years, I'd teach Sai how to feel emotions and how to stop saying obscene things to Naruto and Sakura about Sasuke.

After watching Katekyo Hitman Reborn, I decided that when I'm 15, I'd move to Namimori and I'd meet Tsuna by "accident". Then we'd become friends along with Gokudera and Yamamoto. Reborn would train Tsuna to become the next Vongola Boss and I'd train along with him, using my Ninja-ness as a head start. After training, I'd visit Hibari on Namimori Middle School's rooftop and we'd train his Hibird how to sing Christmas songs. He'd talk to me about how he hates crowding and I'd always agree. At Tsuna's house, I'd cook with Bianchi though I have no idea why everyone never eats when we cook. I'd blast Lambo into the future with his 10-year-bazooka and I'd poke Adult Lambo for 5 minutes till he poofs back. Then we'd all defeat Irie Shouichi and I'd marry Hibari in future. We'll have 1 Hikid in future and Hibari would make him the successor of the Namimori Disciplinary Committee. We'd make a family of our own and we'd be called the Avellino Family 'cause it sounds cool and dangerous. We'd live our lives as Mafias and I'd work as a part-time model, full-time Mafia and wife. I'd die on the battlefield and Hibari would avenge me and I'd go to Soul Society.

Eversince I watched Bleach, I decided that when I die, I'd probably starve since I have the "power" to be a Shinigami. I'd train at the Shinigami Academy along with Rukia and Renji and Kira. Rukia would get adopted by Kuchiki-taichou and Renji would be his fukutaichou. Kira would become the 3rd Squad's fukutaichou and I'd become the 3rd Seat of the 10th Squad. I'd get to know Hitsugaya-taichou and I'd drink with Matsumoto-fukutaichou, Kira-fukutaichou and Hisagi-fukutaichou. We'd chat and drink about how Hitsugaya-taichou is always so stiff and grumpy. Then I'd fall in love with him eventhough he's short and younger. Hinamori can just lie in comatose forever for all I care. We'd work alongside with Kurosaki Ichigo to save Inoue from Aizen Sosuke and have a tea party with all the other Arrancars while we're still in Hueco Mundo. Then, we'd battle and we'd defeat Aizen and save Inoue. Then we'd all go to the Human World and haunt every human, who have a little Reiatsu, on Halloween night. Then Christmas comes and we'll haunt Santa Claus too.

I've only planned until so far and so my essay ends here. In conclusion, I am going to be a Ninja-trained Mafia while I'm still living, and I'd become a Ninja-trained Mafia-associated Shinigami to atone for my Mafia-y sins.

The End.

Red's Talk Show: Naruto Edition Episode 6

Red: Konbanwa, minna-sama! Welcome to another episode of Red’s Talk Show: Naruto Edition! Previously on Red’s Talk Show, we were supposed to interview Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei but due to certain unforeseen circumstances, we weren’t able to properly interview them. However, they are now out of the hospital and healthy enough to attend this week’s talk show. So let’s welcome them once again, Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei!

[Audience cheers]

Gai: OUHHS! HOW HAVE ALL YOU YOUNG YOUTHFUL PEOPLE BEEN??

Kakashi: Konbanwa.

Red: So, how have you guys been during your stay at the hospital?

Gai: Oh, it’s been very good, Red-san. [Thumbs up and sparkle]

Kakashi: Not for me. [Sweatdrop]

Red: Oh? Why is that?

Kakashi: I shared the same room with Gai and Lee and as you already know, they’re the only ones who stay in character even after off-set.

Red: Lee’s still in the hospital? Good grief, Tsunade-san must’ve been really mad that day.

Kakashi: The both of them were really noisy too. Every hour challenging each other to the most ridiculous of things, Gai even challenged the poor kid once to a breath-holding contest. Just imagine the ruckus they created when the nurses found out they were near death. I couldn’t read my Icha Icha Paradise in peace at all.

Red: [Laughs] Karma is a bitch isn’t it?

Gai: [Smirks] Hm, I can understand the jealousy you guys are feeling, Kakashi-san, Red-san. Lee and I are just too youthful! [Sparkle]

Kakashi: [Ignore] Then Naruto and Sasuke came to visit and it got even noisier when Lee challenged Naruto to arm-wrestling.

Gai: Don’t ignore me when I’m talking!

Kakashi: Did you say something?

Gai: Oh my god!!! That was pretty good, rival Kakashi. That reaction is somewhat 'modern' and it pisses me off.

Kakashi: Anyway, what was really surprising about their visit was that Sasuke came to ask for love advice. Seems like there’s someone he’s interested in.

[Fangirl audience outraged, “EHHHHHH???!”]

Red: [Shocked and heartbroken] Are you serious?? Who??

[Fangirls start to break down and cry while other fangirls start to go on rampage.]

Kakashi: [Laughs] Uso, uso. I was just kidding.

Red: [Veinpop] Ka. Ka. Shi. Teme, do you not fear death?

Kakashi: [Laughs] Maa maa, let’s keep this talk show light-hearted.

Red: Good point. Continuing with our Talk Show, Kakashi-san, Gai-san, what do you think of the Naruto characters?

Gai: THEY ARE VERY YOUTHFUL PEOPLE OF COURSE!

Red: [Random inappropriate dramatic response] That’s because you’re really 36 and the oldest among the Naruto cast isn’t it?! Isn’t it?!

Gai: Nope, I’m 26.

Red: Damn. How ‘bout you, Kakashi-san?

Kakashi: Me? Hmm, the Naruto cast members huh. Maa, they’re all good people.

Red: Anything specific?

Kakashi: Naruto and the rest, they’re all good kids. They work really hard on set even though they have to cope with their school life and all that. And seeing all of them work so hard, it really makes you want to protect them and such. Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura are like my own kids.

[Audience ‘Awwww’s]

Red: Aww, how sweet. We’ll be going into commercial and when we come back, we’ll finally answer the tons of mails you fans have written to us. We’ll be right back.


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Red: And we’re back with the long-awaited Fan Mail Section where we read out mails written by you. We’ve received tons of fan mails for Kakashi and Gai and we’re finally gonna answer them today!

[Audience cheers]

Red: Alright, first question. Ah this is for Kakashi-san. “Ne, Kakashi-han, did you know? Kakashi is a slang term in Russia for poop!”

Kakashi: Hai?

Red: [Snorts, stifles laughter] “-And Naruto keeps calling you Caca-sensei and guess what, Caca means poop too! What does it feel like being Poop-sensei? From Same-Birthday-As-Gai Noriyama-kun.” [Bursts out laughing] What a very insulting mail!

Kakashi: [Shock] I never knew Kakashi meant that in another language!

Gai: [Laughs] Ho, CACA-SHE. Interesting name ne, Kakashi~

Kakashi: [Facepalm] Great, now Gai will never let me live this down. Next question please.

Red: [Laughs] Maa maa, don’t take it to heart, for all we know it may be made up. Alright, alright, next question. Oh, this is also for Kakashi, “What do you look for in a girl? From Mei-chan.” Interesting. What do you look for in a girl?

Kakashi: Hmm. I guess, a sweet but strong girl would be nice. Someone Hime-like but humble. She has to love animals since I have a couple of dogs at home. Someone that’s not afraid to say, “Aishiteru yo!” would be nice.

[Audience fangirls scream, “Aishiteru yo, Kakashi-sensei!!”]

Kakashi: I was thinking, it’d be great if she’s able to cook for me delicious breakfast every morning and is independent.

Red: Ja, Kakashi-san, if you were to pick 1 name out of these, which would you choose? One, Ayame. Two, Kiyomi. Three, Suzume or four, Reiko?

Kakashi: Hmm… Probably… Suzume? Suzume means sparrow and I think it’s a nice name. It has a nice traditional feel to it.

Red: Good choice. Next question, “Gai-sensei, don’t you feel weird wearing spandex all the time? From Aoi-kun.”

Gai: Spandex is good! It keeps me feeling free and youthful!

Red: [Cough cough] Hippie. [Cough]

Kakashi: Desu ne.

Red: And we’re moving on to the final segment of the show, The Yaoi Section! I’ve seen tons of doujinshis with KakaIru pairing but I’ve never seen one with Gai. What do you guys think of Yaoi?

Kakashi: KakaIru? I’m paired with Iruka-san? How did that happen? Maa, not that that’s particularly important. Iruka-san is purely my colleague and drinking buddy.

Red: Kakashi-san! You’re not suppose to say that! Right now, you just crushed the hearts of many KakaIru fans.

Kakashi: Eh? Gomen, gomen, but it’s true anyway.

Red: Sigh. Gomena, KakaIru fans. What about you Gai-san, what do you think of Yaoi?

Gai: What is Yaoi?

Red: …… [Facepalm]

Kakashi: [Facepalm] As expected. Sigh. Gai, you’re a lost cause. Yaoi is one of the most popular interest among fangirls and on the internet.

Red: Exactly! How can you not know about Yaoi!

Gai: So… What is Yaoi?

Red: [Rubs temples] Gai-san, do all of us a favour. Go home, go watch Junjou Romantica, Loveless, Gravitation and Boku no Pico. Then you’ll know what’s Yaoi.

Gai: Ha-

Red: And that’s all the time we have for today. Stay tuned next week where we interview Tsunade-sama and another special guest!

Gai: Wai-

Red: Kakashi-san, wanna go grab a drink with Tsunade-sama?

Kakashi: I don’t mind it, but aren’t you a little too young to drink?

Gai: Oi oi, don’t igno-

Red: Oh c’mon don’t be such a spoil sport.

Kakashi: Sigh, guess it can’t be helped.

Red: Ja, minna-san, mata ne!

[Red and Kakashi leaves the set.]

Gai: Kakashi, Red, wait! What’s Yaoi??

[Audience leaves studio]

Gai: I don’t want to watch something I don’t know! Red, Kakashi!

[Lights turn off, security guards lock the doors.]

Gai: Red-san? Kakashi?

[Silence]

Gai: Hello?



[Author's Note: Please do not take any of this seriously. This is purely fan-based. All Naruto characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi.]

[Note: I didn't mean to bully Gai and Kakashi like that, I just found it really amusing. BTW, the CACA-she thing is real, I think. I saw it on devArt. Also, gomene Hime, fanservice could only go so far. :X]

Red's Talk Show: Naruto Edition Episode 5

Red: Konbanwa minna-san! Welcome back to the long awaited Red’s Talk Show: Naruto Edition! It’s been a little over 4 months since the Talk Show last aired and first I would like to give my sincerest apologies for that. Our script-writer was having a crisis deciding whether he wanted blueberry or banana cereal for breakfast… [Sweatdrop] But fortunately, with the help of the crew, we’ve finally managed to help him decide. Our script-writer is now very happy with his blueberry cereal every morning.

Red: It’s been a good 4 months and I’m sure a number of you have forgotten us. So let’s have a little recap!

In episode 1, we interviewed Naruto and Sasuke and asked about their life with the Naruto cast.

In episode 2, we interviewed the Hyuuga cousins and talked about Hinata’s double personality and Neji’s most embarrassing moment.

In episode 3, we interviewed Gaara and Lee and learned about Gaara’s shocking past time hobby.

And finally, in episode 4, we interviewed Sai and Ino and finally managed to get someone play the penalty game.

Red: Today, the show is longer than before, in compensation for the 4 months of absence. So let's bring out today’s guests! The long awaited, Kakashi-sensei and special guest, Gai-sensei!

[Audience applause]

Gai: OSSU, YOUNG YOUTHFUL PEOPLE!

Kakashi: Konbanwa. By the way, it isn’t my fault that the Talk Show is 4 months late.

Red: Oh shut up, half of it was.

Kakashi: How mean~ That day I really had to help an old lady cross a really wide road. And then I found a hungry kitten so I went to the convenience store and bought it some milk and then Gai lost his underwear-

Red: Hai, hai, hai. Anyway movin- Wait, what? Gai lost his underwear?

Gai: Kakashi! That was supposed to be between us!

Red: You really lost your underwear? I thought it was just one of Kakashi’s ridiculous excuses!

Kakashi: Maa, long story short, we found it on Lee who was pretending to be Superman.

Red: That’s… rather predictable. [Laughs] But isn’t your underwear too big for Lee? Wouldn’t it keep slipping? Why was he pretending to be Superman in the first place?

Gai: Uh…

Kakashi: Kiba dared him to.

Red: [Laughs heartily] Kiba really likes to dare people with the most amusing of things. I won’t be surprised if Kiba dared him to use Tsunade-sama’s green robe as his cape.

Kakashi: Actually, he did.

Red: Seriously??

Kakashi: He got a huge whooping from the Hokage-sama when she found him running around on set, with her robe as his cape.

Gai: My poor youthful Lee!! [Exaggerated tears]

Red: I didn’t think Lee would be this daring. Wait, wait, wait. Was he by any chance drunk when he did this?

Kakashi: Yes.

Red: [Facepalm]

Gai: The kids were having a party at Sasuke’s and Lee accidentally drank a bottle of sake.

Red: You guys amuse me to no end. He did apologize to Tsunade-sama right?

Gai: He went straight to her dressing room once he was sober and apologized profusely.

Kakashi: And the Hokage-sama gave him another whooping.

Red: Wha- Why?

Gai: Tsunade-sama was… um… changing when he barged in.

Red: [Laughs till stomach hurts] No way! How unlucky can Lee be?? [Laugh]

Kakashi: And because of that we had to stop filming for a few days. We were filming the Sanbi part so we couldn’t have Lee appear all beaten and bruised for no reason.

Red: [Continues laughing] That Lee… [Laughs more] Tsunade’s dressing room… [Laughs maniacally]

Gai: Uh… Red-san?

Red: [Clutches stomach] Superman undies! [Laughs till tears come out] Oh oh, I can’t breathe! [Continues laughing and falls off chair.]

Gai: Uh Kakashi, she’s not moving. [Poke poke]

Kakashi: Oh? [Evil grin] Quick Gai, perform mouth to mouth! She’s passed out from laughing too much! Use the method from Icha Icha Tactics that you've secretly been reading!

Gai: OUH! LEAVE IT TO ME! [Performs mouth to mouth]

[Audience gasps]

Kakashi: [Shudder] Okay, this is too much for public tv. Go to commercial please.


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Author: I died a little inside when I wrote Gai performing "mouth-to-mouth" with "methods" from Icha Icha Tactics. Good god.

- - - - - ❤ + ❤ + ❤ - - - - -


Red: And we’re back with Kakashi and Gai though I don’t really recall why we went to commercial.

Girl From Audience: It’s okay, Red-sama! Ganbatte!!

Guy From Audience: Yeah! Everything will be alright!

[Audience cheers]

Red: O…kay... Thanks for the lovely support Audience, I think…

Kakashi: [Nervous laughter] Quite a supportive audience you got there.

Red: Kakashi. Why do you sound like you did something bad and don’t want to tell me?

Kakashi: Ah? Oh, nothing, nothing.

Red: More importantly, why has Gai been staring at me funny ever since after commercial?

Gai: Red-san, I never knew your lips-

Kakashi: [Slaps hand on Gai’s mouth, nervous laughter] Red-san, did anyone tell you how great your hair and make up is today?

Red: [Narrows eyes] What about my lips?

Gai: Kakashi! You told me to perform mouth to mouth on her with methods from Icha Icha Tactics and I saved her life so I should boast and be praised youthfully!

Red: …What?

Kakashi: [Smile nervously] Eh-heh-heh.

Red: Let me make a phone call for a while. [Smile]

Red: [Takes out handphone, speed dials Tsunade.] Moshi moshi? Hai, Tsunade-sama? You still owe me a favor for sneaking you some sake the other day. I’d like the favor to be repaid today. Could you come down to the studio? That happened so we’re doing that. See you in a few.

Kakashi: Uh… Red-san? Who did you call…?

Red: Oh don’t worry about that. [Smile]

[Car tires screech. Car door opens and slams. Thunderous footstep get closer and closer to set.]

Red: Ah, she’s here.

Tsunade: [Kicks open door] WHO DARED TOUCH RED?

[Audience points at Kakashi and Gai]

Tsunade: You guys huh. [Cracks knuckles] Red, what did they do?

Red: [Melodramatic despair] Oh Tsunade… They did many things to the poor me… Things like [Pulls down sleeve from shoulder] that…

Jiraiya: [From audience, wolf-whistles]

Kakashi: HEH?

Red: Things like [Background screen drops down, edited picture of a perverted Kakashi and Gai trying to rape Red appears] that…

Gai: HEH?

Red: Oh Tsunade-sama, they even stole my virgin lips!

Tsunade: Ki-sa-ma! How dare you do this in broad daylight!

Kakashi: No wait! That’s a misunderstanding! We didn’t do that!

Gai: We only performed mouth-to-mouth!

Tsunade: No excuses!

Red: [Evil smirk]

[Tsunade starts to punch-]

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

Red’s Talk Show is now going through some technical difficulties. We apologize and request for your understanding.


- - - - - ❤ + ❤ + ❤ - - - - -


Red: [High 5's Tsunade] Thank you, Tsunade-sama.

Tsunade: [Grin] It’s nothing. If you ever need my help, just call and bring some sake. Ja ne.

Red: And we’re back. [Smile]

Kakashi: [On the verge of dying] Red-shan, han hwe reskeju our intewiew…?

Red: Reschedule? Sure, I don’t mind it.

Gai: [On the verge of dying] Plees do…

Red: You should never mess with young innocent girls, you old farts. [Smile] But I will reschedule your interview. Please wait for my notice.

Both: Hanks… [Dies]

Red: And that’s all the time we have for today. Stay tuned next week for-

Girl From Audience: Red-san! What about Sai’s penalty?

Red: [Long pause] ..... I FORGOT HE'S TIED UPSIDE DOWN ON OUR WHEEL OF FATE!! Quick somebody bring Sai out here!

[Two staff members pushes the Wheel of Fate onto the set]

Red: Gasp! Sai your face is really red!

Sai: [On the verge of fainting] Teme… If… it weren’t… for my… great physique… I’d be… dead… by now.

Red: Oh gosh, I’m so sorry! [Turns wheel until Sai is the right side up]

Sai: [Pants] For 1 hour… you left me… in that… dark, stuffy storeroom. Upside down.

Red: [Nervous laughter] Ah ha, sorry. [Apologetic smile]

Sai: Can we call the penalty off? 1 hour upside down is more than enough right, Chichai-chan?

Red: [Veinpop] Like hell I will! Minna-san, it’s time for the penalty game!

[Audience cheers]

Red: I received tons of mail asking to strip you and stuff like asking you to do the Oiroke no Jutsu. And asking you to bake a cake. Asking me to force you into confessing that you have a thing for Naruto and Sasuke-

Sai: Hai?

Red: -Et cetera… But I’ll spare you the embarrassment. Staff, bring out the knives!

[Audience gasps and whispers]

Sai: Knives? [Gulp]

Red: You’re target practice today. [Evil smirk]

Sai: Are you serious??

Red: [Picks up knife] Of course I am. [Evil laughter]

Sai: W-Wait! Let’s talk things over!

Red: [Aims and throws knife, missing Sai’s left ear by 2 inches.]

Sai: O-Oi! You’re really serious?! Wait!

Red: [Picks up another knife, aims and throws. Misses Sai’s neck by 3 inches]

[Audience whispers, “She’s a demon!”]

Red: Let’s try this blindfolded! [Blindfolds herself]

Sai: Kisama! Are you really trying to kill me!?

Red: [Picks up last knife. Aims and throws!]

[Audience screams]

Sai: Oof!

Red: Did I get him? Did I get him?

[Audience murmurs, “What the hell?”]

Sai: That really hurt.

Red: Oh c’mon, I went easy on you. Be glad.

Sai: Your rubber knife was hard as hell! [Cough]

[Audience heaves a sigh of relief]

Red: [Unties Sai and pats him on the head.] Maa maa, it was fun, wasn’t it? [Grin]

Sai: Can I go home now?

Red: [Continues patting Sai on the head] And we have finally come to the end of Red’s Talk Show! Stay tuned next week where we interview Kakashi and Gai properly. See you guys next week!



[Author's Note: Please do not take any of this seriously. This is purely fan-based. All Naruto characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi.]

Red's Talk Show: Naruto Edition Episode 4

Red: Hai, ohayo gozaimasu, minna-san! Welcome to another episode of Red’s Talk Show! I sincerely apologize for the confusion yesterday. Apparently our script-writer was drunk for 5 days straight. Anyway today, we have our special guest Sai and our surprise guest Ino with us!

Ino: Domo!

Sai: Domo.

Red: [Stares at Sai. Moves closer to Sai. Studies his face.]

Sai: Y-yes? Is something wrong?

Red: I don’t understand. You don’t look like Sasuke in any way, shape or form. Okay, maybe you’re both hot but that doesn’t count. So why does Naruto and Sakura think that you look like Sasuke? [Inches closer to Sai’s face until noses nearly touch.]

Ino: Ah, that’s a long story actually. See, when we first started filming Naruto: Shippuden, Sai was called in for an audition for his role in the series. That day, everyone except for Sasuke-kun already arrived at the studio and were hanging out in the lobby because there was some maintenance going on beyond the lobby. Sai came with Sasuke-kun. Everyone gasped when they entered the studio.

Red: What happened? What happened??

Ino: [Laughs] Calm down, I’m getting to it. We saw Sasuke-kun and this guy(Sai). They were wearing the exact same clothing! Both wearing hats, both wearing a scarf that covered all the way up to their mouths, it was winter then, and they had the exact same hoodie, only in different colours.

Red: No way!

Ino: [Laughs] Yeah, way. A lot of people couldn’t recognise who was who ‘cause they both had light skin tones too. Everyone was like, “EHHHHHHHHHHH?? 2 SASUKES??” It was so shocking!

Red: Then how did you tell them apart?

Ino: Naruto did something crazy and asked whose [Clears throat] dick was smaller. And then Sasuke-kun said, “You don’t have to ask, Naruto, we already know it’s yours.” And that’s how we knew.

Red: [Laughs] Naruto really asked for it. Sai, you’re awfully quiet today.

Sai: No, no. I was thinking of a nickname for you.

Red: No way, you’re another one that stays in character offset??

Ino: Nah, he just likes giving people random nicknames.

Red: Oh? What are the nicknames he’s given the Naruto cast?

Ino: Ehh, let’s see… Naruto’s Chichai-kun. It means small. Well, you, of all people, should know why’s that right?

Red: Mm-hmm. Up high. [High-fives Ino]

Ino: Then Sasuke-kun is Little Miss Sunshine, which always pisses him off.

Red: Little Miss Sunshine? Why Little Miss Sunshine? Normally Sasuke’s the kind that you’d call Mr. Emofag.

Ino: [Laughs] Sasuke-kun wore a Little Miss Sunshine tee to the set one day and Sai never let him live it down after that. [Laughs] Oh you should see the things Sasuke-kun would do to Sai when he calls him that.

Red: Ah, I see. If I was him, I wouldn’t let Sasuke live it down either. I can imagine right now, Sasuke’s wardrobe filled with Little Miss tees.

Ino: Actually, it is. On his birthday last year, each of us bought him one Little Miss tee and gave it to him as a present. His face was priceless when he unwrapped the gifts, screaming, “I’m gonna kick all your asses!” [Laughs]

Red: [Laughs] Good job! So what about the oth-

Sai: Ah! I got it!

Red: What have you got?

Sai: Your nickname.

Red: Whatever it is you got there in your head, better make sure it’s good.

Sai: Chichai-chan. ‘Cause you’re so flat.

[Audience gasps]

Red: [Turns red] Kisama! Sorry I’m not big-boobed like Hinata!

Sai: I knew Sakura didn’t really had much but I’ve never seen anyone’s so small like yours.

Red: Teme! I bet you’re smaller than Naruto! Chichai-kunnnnnn! [Sticks out tongue]

[Tauntings continue in the background]

Ino: [Nervous laugh] And we’ll be back after this break.


- - - - - ❤ + ❤ + ❤ - - - - -

Somewhere in Konoha...

Naruto: Achoo!

Sasuke: Oi, oi. Are you alright? You've been sneezing a lot today.

Naruto: Yeah, I'm fine. Somewhere some super gorgeous babe is probably singing my praises. Ni-shi-shi~

Sasuke: Or more likely talking bad about you. [Sigh]

End.

- - - - - ❤ + ❤ + ❤ - - - - -


Red: And we’re back with Ino and Small Dick, I mean, Sai. We’re moving on to the next segment now, The Fan Mail Section! Alright, first question, ah this is for Sai. Okay next question. This one’s also for Sai. Okay, next. This is also for Sai. Next.

Ino: Ehhh, Red-san, why are you skipping Sai’s fan mail?

Red: Oh, they’re irrelevant, that’s why. [Smile]

Ino: [Sweatdrop] Still bearing grudge over the nickname, huh…

Red: Ah, this one’s for Ino. “Was it a mistake that you and Deidara-chan have the same hairstyle? From Kiko-chan”

Ino: Oh, yeah kinda. I remember when Deidara-kun and I walked onto the set, everyone stared at us. Appearance wise, Deidara is like a boy version of me.

Sai: Only better looking.

Ino: [Smacks Sai behind the head] Very funny.

Red: Alright, next question. Eh? This one’s for me. How nice, even I have fan mail. Let’s see what’s written inside.

Chichai-chan, stop ignoring me.

Sai.

Sai: [Smiles]

Red: [Crushes paper] Let’s move on to the next segment of the show now. The Yaoi Section! People have always asked about Yaoi and sometimes Yuri so are you guys fans of Yaoi/Yuri?

Ino: I don’t know really. I like Yaoi, but I’m always in Yuri pairings in fanfictions and doujinshis.

Sai: I don’t like Yaoi.

Red: Hmm? What’s that, Small Dick, I mean, Sai?

Sai: I think Yaoi is disturbing.

Red: [Evil laughter] Wrong answer. Hai, minna-san! We’re gonna play the Penalty Game now! A lucky viewer from the audience will get to decide his fate!

Sai: Eh? Wait-

Red: Just write your ideas to me and we will punish Small Dick, I mean, Sai next week! And we have come to the end of Red’s Talk Show. I sincerely apologize for postponing the time of the show. Promise it won’t happen again. So, stayed tuned next week where we interview Kakashi and a special guest and not forgetting our dearest Sai’s punishment. Ladies, you don’t have to go easy on him.

Sai: Wait, wait! Don’t I get a say in this?

Ino: It’s useless, once Red-san’s made a decision, she never changes her mind.

Red: [Wink] Jaa mata ne!



[Author's Note: Please do not take any of these seriously. This is purely fan-based. All Naruto characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi.]
[Note: The author does not in any way hate Sai. She loves Sai a lot. She is also not sensitive about being called flat, she's used to it.]

Red's Talk Show: Naruto Edition [Episode 3]

Date: 30th May 2009
[This is to be scrapped. I want to rewrite this. Ruined Gaara's character completely.]



Red: Konbanwa minna-san! Welcome to Red’s Talk Show! Today’s episode will be a little longer than usual and due to the overwhelming questions asked by fans on yaoi and yuri, mostly yaoi, this week we’ve added a new segment to the show, The Yaoi Section! So, let’s bring out our special guest, Lee, and our surprise guest, Gaara!

[Audience cheers]

Lee: Ossu!

Gaara: Domo.

Red: So, how are you guys doing this evening?

Lee: I’m feeling very youthful and filled with brilliant balls of fire in me! I’m bursting with energy and excitement to be on your show!

Red: Lee, we’re offset now, you can stop acting.

Lee: I’m not acting! I truly am ecstatic to be here! Gai-sensei will be very proud of me! [Rocks-Waves-Dramatic-Backdrop appears.]

Red: Ne, Gaara, is he always like that offset?

Gaara: Unfortunately yes. He is the only one that remains in-character even after film.

Red: Kishimoto Masashi really picked up one wacked-up character this time. So Lee, what do you usually do after work?

Lee: I do 500 push-ups on my finger each day and run 500 laps around the studio each day and walk on my hands around town each day!

Red: Uh huh… Do you do anything else besides train?

Lee: Nope!

Red: Not even take a break, go to the onsens, go to a bar, pick up some chicks and screw them?

Lee: Nope! I have no use for such materialistic desires!

Red: Not even been to a Red Light District?? Ever??

Lee: N-

Gaara: Lee’s dick is small so he’s embarrassed.

[Audience Gasps; 1 minute of silence. Lee is slow, so he does not know.]

Red: Uh… Wha- Uh… Okay, Gaara what does the Suna no Yoroi, otherwise known as Armor of Sand, feel like?

Gaara: Unpleasant. Whenever the episodes require the armor of sand to crack, like in Naruto Episode 48, before filming, they pour glue all over me and then pour sand all over me.

Red: Wow, rather extreme method, isn’t it? How do you remove the sand afterwards?

Gaara: I peel it off with my skin.

[Audience Gasps; Total Silence]

Gaara: … It was a joke.

Red: Oh thank god.

Gaara: The special effects crew had this specially made glue that drops on it own after a while. The sand gradually dropped away. The problem is, it takes a few weeks and until it finishes dropping, filming does not carry on.

Red: Wow, that’s really time-consuming.

Gaara: Yes.

Red: Alright, we’re going into commercial now, when we come back, I’ll read out some of the questions you fans have for these two. We’ll be right back.

† ❤ † ❤ † ❤ † ❤ †

Red: And we’re back with Red’s Talk Show, featuring Lee & Gaara! We’re moving on to our next segment now, The Fan Mail Section!

Lee: Ouhs!

Red: Question 1, “Gaara-sama, did Kishimoto-sama really made you shave off your eyebrows? From Gaa-chan.”

Gaara: …Yes.

Red: Ne, Gaara, I’ve been meaning to ask, what about your eyes?

Gaara: It’s Maybelline.

Red: Ah. Next question, “Lee-san, did you steal Gaara’s eyebrows? From ChibiNeko.” Okay that’s a rather irrelevant question, so we won’t answer it. Next one, ah, this is for Gaara. “Do you prefer Visual Kei, Lolita, Sentāgai or Decora? From Roripopu.” So which do you prefer?

Gaara: …Lolita.

Red: Seriously? I thought you were more of the Visual Kei type.

Gaara: Visual Kei does not make me feel kawaii.

Red: O..kay? What about you Lee?

Lee: Ouhs, I prefer Spandexsu!

Red: What the heck is that? That’s not one of the stated fashion styles.

Lee: I know, I made it up!

Red: Okay. Does anyone else feel awkward today or is it just me? We’ll be moving on to The Yaoi Section now. Ready guys?

Lee: Bring it on!

Gaara: Yes.

Red: Question 1: “What do you guys think of Yaoi Fanfiction?” This was asked to Naruto and Sasuke back in Episode 1 of RTS: Naruto Ed, and they said they were fine with it since it made the fans happy. So what do you guys think about Yaoi Fanfiction?

Lee: I agree with Naruto-kun and Sasuke-kun. If that’s what makes the fans happy, then I’m fine with it.

Red: Even with majorly hot sex scenes with Gaara? Even with kinky stuff like handcuffs?? Even with ice??? Even with-

Lee: [Blushes furiously] Aahhh, next question! Next question!

Red: [Laughs] Lee, you blush so easily. What about you, Gaara?

Gaara: Fanfictions? I don’t like people who write fanfictions.

Red: Wh-

Gaara: BECAUSE THEIR SKILLZ ARE F%&#ING NOOB! I AM THE 1337 YAOI FANFICTION WRITER! NO ONE CAN WRITE BETTER THAN ME!!

Lee: O_O

Red: Gaara-sama! Where have you been hiding your awesome power all these while?? What pair do you ship?

Gaara: I write NaruSasu/SasuNaru, AllenxKanda, LavixKanda, LavixAllen, AllenxKandaxLavi, IchiIshi, KaKaIru, and of course, my favourite, GaaLee.

Lee: Wha-

Red: Gaara-samaaaaaaa!

Gaara: Yes, yes, you may bask in my amazingness.

Lee: Wait, wait, wait! GaaLee? There are fanfictions like these??

Gaara: Mostly written by me. Speaking of which, Lee, would you like to assist me in helping me write my latest GaaLee fanfiction? I seem to have run out of material.

Lee: N-

Red: Before you answer, Lee, know that if you refuse, you will have to forfeit and one of the audience viewers will decide your fate. [Smile]

[Audience whispers: “Lee’s gonna get raped.”]

Lee: That’s not fair!

Gaara: Fair or not, I have decided, I will take you by force. [Picks Lee up over the shoulders and walks away.] Come, Lee, we have much to do.

Lee: Put me down! Put me down! Gai-sensei! T_T

Red: [Shouts to Gaara] I’ll be waiting for your latest story! And that’s all the time we have for today. Stay tuned next week where we interview Sai and another special guest. Jaa mata ne!



[Author's Note: Please do not take any of this seriously. This is purely fan-based. All Naruto characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi.]